Crystal Cruise

Crystal Cruise Diet: Fish & Ships

Even members of this Bar Association's Young Lawyers' Section occasionally fantasize about retirement options. Some grayer old geysers spout recurring daydreams of owning fly-in homes on golf courses, starting new careers as chefs at seaside restaurants in Cannes or St. Tropez, scouring English and Italian villages for antiques; devoting minds and time to music or teaching.

I am totally committed to becoming an Ambassador Host on Crystal Cruises. It's the only way to lose a pound per day while cruising the seas on the world's most luxurious "six-star dining" ocean liner, and see the world.

Ambassador Hosts, let me first explain, are debonair men who "dance on water," to make certain that any woman who wishes to Fox Trot, Tango, Lindy, Waltz or Cha-Cha has a cordial song-length companion to do so.

I've enjoyed dancing since my mother insisted I take tap lessons at age six in a Wynnefield basement (and there were no other boys in the class but me). Moreover, as a teenager, I watched "Bandstand" every afternoon after school, using the handle of a refrigerator door as the imaginary hand of Justine doing her jitterbug steps. I have recently maneuvered through Main Line School Night's Ballroom and Latin dancing, Arthur Murray and private lessons. I love to kick up the old heels. And, as many judges have stated in frigorific tones, "Lawyer, heel thyself."

Why I have chosen the Crystal Cruise Line in my dreamworld should need no explanation. From stem to stern, each of its ships (Harmony, Symphony and Serenity) exudes with omnipresent cordiality, unparalleled entertainment, creative elegance, and cuisine that is nothing less than 24/7 nautical grand gala nourishment. Imagine at your fingertips, at all reasonably conceivable times: Marinated Gravlax, Wild Salmon with Cream Cheese, Baby Eel, Mountain River Trout, Norwegian Baby Shrimp, Jumbo Prawns on Ice, Alaskan Salmon, Pacific Lobster, Roasted Young Turkey, Sirloin of Black Angus Beef, French Paté, Salads, Forest Mushrooms, Caviar, Remoulades and Cognac Sauces, Beef Steamship, Ham in Crust, International Cheeses, Confections, Pies, Brûlés, Mousses; and that's just for room service. Feasts are to be had in the main dining room at lunch and dinner, while separate Italian and Japanese restaurants, a bistro and an outdoor grill stay ready at the helm for further culinary conquests.

Yet, on a Crystal Cruise, I LOSE ONE POUND PER DAY!!!

I know I have failed in the past. There have been occasions when I needed three shoehorns to force my belly into a tuxedo for the Captain's Farewell Champagne Party, when that same tux had fit perfectly at embarkation. At the end of one two-week cruise, I was alarmed, in a bloatedly belching frenzy, that I could neither find nor reach any of my sexual organs.

So, in the same fashion as one assembles an Appellate Brief, I examine the Issues, then paraphrase a Stateroom of Facts, and reach these Conclusions:

1. Eat only foods that begin with an "F": Fish, fowl, fruit, fromage, field greens and fermented grapes (all in moderation); and
2. Dance the night away as your wife's Ambassador Host and Husband, auditioning for the "real thing" when, and if, retirement arrives.

Guests aboard a typical Crystal Cruise consume over 50 pounds of caviar, 3000 pounds of fresh fish, 30,000 eggs, 600 pounds of fresh strawberries and more than 4 tons of bananas, oranges, mango, papayas and melons. I participate in some of these statistics; but I will not allow one ounce of meat, bread or confections pass between the portals of my lips. Anchors a weigh. If a buffet item or dessert is so tempting that my sea legs can't stand it, I simply take sublimating pictures of it with an Elph digital camera. So much of eating is wishing to mentally memorize the food, and the use of a camera is just as mnemonic, but without the calories.

I nibble, internationally, at Greek Souvlaki's marinated chicken skewers or seafoods displayed en brochette, tasting tajines of Moroccan chickens, biting into Bacalhau cod and octopus from Portugal, duck breasts from France, and mussels from Turkey. I depend upon smoked salmon at breakfast, filets of the freshest catch at lunch, and dinners replete of all the "Fs".

After the evening show, Annie and I meander to the wood-lined leather-laden saloon where Jeffrey Deutsch (opened on the main stage for Billy Crystal, and the Beach Boys in Las Vegas) plays piano and sings every song known to man or woman, written through 1964. We box-step and dip to Cole Porter melodies on the smooth dance floor by the Yamaha. Astaire and Rodgers, Augie and Margo, Gower and Champion, have nothing on us. Now we're fox-trotting to George Gershwin and Irving Berlin tunes played by the Crystal Ensemble in a nearby lounge. We wind up with the Manila Diamonds' renditions of Billy Joel's creations, and Bandstand classics, to conclude in constellate perspiration.

We skip by the remnants of the Midnight Buffet, heading for the Caesar Palace on board. I take pictures of the slot machines. I've already lost one pound today; a welcome, affordable loss.